I graduated college, got my bachelors degree, I don’t have to pay $6,000 every three months to work my ass off and be stressed so what am I instead? Depressed? I should be happy and feel free.
Well I am not. These last few weeks have been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. College was amazing, literally the best time of my life. I had so many friends, I was very social, and I was excited to graduate. Suddenly I finished school and I feel like an Eagle that hasn’t fully spread its wings.
I thought I was ready for adulthood but I guess I’m not.
I had in my head this image of what life was going to be like after college and I feel like I’m in a dark tunnel searching for my flash light so I can navigate my way out. I feel confused and alone. I am looking for jobs but I don’t know what type of career I should enter. I have absolutely no clue what my life purpose is.
I took a week and truly thought about going back to school. While it would mean more school loans and debt, it would also mean a clear goal. Another degree. Then I took the time to think about and it and I realized that in a few years I would be right back to where I am now, only with more pressure for me to find a good paying job because I would have double the debt.
So that brings me back to loneliness. I know I have family, my boyfriend, and friends to talk to this about but I feel like none of them understand where I am coming from. My parents didn’t go to college and I feel like they are pushing me to find a good paying job because they know my loan payments will default back to them if I can’t pay. My boyfriend graduated a semester earlier than me but had several job opportunities to fall back on.
I am in the tunnel again. I talk to myself and tell my self everything will work out with the reassurance from my echo but something about the voice coming back to me doesn’t sound so certain. I applied for about 30 jobs but I find myself going back to the job application asking myself if I am truly capable of doing these jobs. I even have a job interview tomorrow and I am second guessing my self.
To make matters worse I think I am so nervous about finding a new job because the past couple jobs I was not happy with. I worked as a marketer for a gutter company for a few months and I quickly realized that it wasn’t the right place for me. So I put in my two week notice. After that I started helping my grandparents at their furniture store. They asked me to fill in one day for them in the office answering the phones. Six months later I hold three positions in the company and work their full time.
The first few months of work were great but I was still in school. When I graduated I busted butt there and about a week later I inched a littler further into adult hood. I realized that while in some aspects the job was great for me. Fast paced, every day brought some thing new, I was constantly learning, and I got to work with people. Other aspects of the job are not what I am looking for. The main reason being it takes me 50 minutes to get to work and back.
I can never remember a time in my life I was happy. I am know for a bubbly personality and making others feel happy. Now I don’t want to talk to any one and I feel this darkness inside me. I know I can over come this but I feel like what I am feeling right now will last forever.